ya ya ya.... oh oh!

Since my parents left, I felt like life speeded up around here (is that a word?!). I had my cousin's girlfriend come visit me also since she was in town, and together we escaped to Veracruz for a weekend where I had a serenata de Mariachi's serenade us at night... although it was just us two girls, luckily we did not get into any trouble, and had a really good time relaxing in an air conditioned hotel (I think i needed that rest to continue). Also, I have been wrapping things up with my internship visiting this and that place, which has left me somehwat tired physically... but i have really enjoyed it. I have had conversations about government funding quite often and learn an entire new concept or idea or a new something everytime i visit my internship and their sites (im "on the field" most often). Today i met with yet another presidente municipal... i.e. city mayor. I got to hear their towns major needs, and what they are doing with their funding...

My research project is beginning to come together, lets say i have the skeleton... but i still have to actually write it all down - which im not too worried about as long as i give myself the time to do it when i get back.

Honestly though, I am getting kind of exghasted of living in the enviroment that i am in within my host family. I have been uncomfortable for a longer time than I am comfortable being uncomfortable... i dont know if that makes sense. But obviously, this has served me well in a number of different areas...

as of now, I am begeninng to say my goodbyes... i have about a week left here in veracruz before i go to Mexico City for a few days, before i peace out back home!! Although i am REALLY excited to be back home (um, i miss BAR B QUE Sause... BAD. What the heck?!!)... i am REALLY bumbed, and actually kind of upset at the fact that i have to leave.


If everybody from home would come live down here, that would just great. Oh, and Disneyland would relocate, that would be even better... what do u think of my plan?!

I personally hope u guys are doing well... i haven't been all there with my communication first of all because it is very diffivult for me considering my circumstances, and second of all because it has been good for me to be away from the exessive need to be in constant communication with the world... see? I've not been in full communication and the world is still functioning just as it was before... so, there's ONE out of the inurable lessons i have learned thus far.

Dont know when i will write again, but as of now i return to LA within 2 weeks... and we begin again with a whole new chapter in my life.

My parents visiting. Great for me, a disaster perhaps for my host family...

on an update...
my parents came to visit me this week!! :) It has been amazing, and i am encouraged to finish up the second half of my glt... although it has been very interesting to see the interaction between my parents and my host parents... um, yeah. a lot to talk about that.

Lets just say economics are playing a huge role. And i have never in my life seen myself as rich (because well, we all know this is a false statement... at least in our eyes). But my parents brought home videos, my sister's wedding video, pictures, and little things like the location of things and my kithen and yard come out in the videos, which shows a stark contrast between the place my host family is in and my own home. First of all, all my family is all way lighter skin than my host family... that was the first thing they noticed. And taller. They all said how "chulos" we all were (beautiful). This got me kind of sad because just because they, or we (yup... i am of really light skin here) are lighter skin, that automatically makes us "beautiful." nooo! As you could imagine, this is a mindset prevelent throughot the world i do not want to accet as true.

Anyways, my parents.

My parents, being very proud of their economic accomplishements (because they too were once in an economic situtaion like the ones my host family is in right now when they were kiddos), say, not in a showing off manner, but in a literally happy mode... "look! Thats my van, thats my husbands truck, mercy's car, damaris' car, and tony's car, my son's car..." etc.

This came up beause of a video that was taken outside my house with my nephew (who by the way just the thought of that little bugger makes me teary eyed!!! punk).
nobody has a car within the host family i live with, and it is necesaary to have one here too. Something in their face changed after they saw the video... this is terrible! I felt as if this home video, which was meant for them to see my sister and brother on video, turned out to be terrible... i feel as though it functioned as a mirror which showed my host family everything they DONT have. Um, NOT good.

The stove, the fridge... we have two fridges at my house (the one in the kitchen and one in the garage) and two stoves, two washing machines, and a dryer and dish washer. They saw all this in the video... i wanted to turn that thing off ASAP but no, they all wanted to see it because of its content... but it was literally hurting me to have them see these things in the foreground... i literally almost felt sick. And then i craved chocolate chip cookies really bad (they dont have ovens in Los Idolos - its too hot, i say, and also, they use up too much gas which they cannot afford).

This is extremely difficult for me to accept. Not only that, but my parents bought food and groceries the entire week for my host family... talk about POWER DYNAMICS. ahhh!!

DOnt get me wrong... i really loved having my parents. I am always cuddling with one of them. But observing the power dynamics and how econmics plays a role has been difficult for me to accept.

i did talk to my parents about it, but then my mom had a point. "Well, are we supposed to lie and say thats not where we live?" Of course not. Maybe i just dont want to be seen as someone from a higher class, or much higher class in this case, because this might include responsibility on my part. or maybe im trying to avoid feelings of guilt. And plus... as you know, i have not been seen as a person of privilige in the states. u know the area i live in... we are not considered high rollers in the states... but well, honestly, to them, i am fild with wealth. ahhh!

i dont know. but i try to explain that we live in a not so good area (ya'll know...). I talk about the descrimination that exists in the US, and explain how my parents have already been in the US for 30 years and are obviously already well established... and that they work hard also... i tried to erase the pretty picture they saw on the TV because i was also fearing that them seeing my parents as hardcore tourist who also migrated would encourage them to migrate... um, NO. I did not come to rural mexico to INCREASE migration to the US...

my parents are still here, but we will be in mexico city for 3 days before they take off. I think this week has been really hard though because of the power dynamcis and accepting my class. and i do NOT want my host family to feel BAD for what they have, or in this case, DONT have. THey do have the basic necessities... i thought i had basic necessities too, but wow. I have sheets. I have luxuries in this place.

Maybe thats why i like being in mexico city... things are a bit more "normal" here... somewhat. Cuz then here i am atuamatically emerced into an even higher class than middle class... its intense extremes constantly.

But with my parents, we were able to do touristy things... which was also difficult because my parents did things my host family has never done. Like visited certain areas around Veracruz. But we went to Veracruz Puerto, and my parents invited my host family (a given). They had to pay for everything though. From their transportation (three people), to tourist attractions, to food. Also hard for me because they just came along for the ride.


Regardless of all the power dynamics and class structed spelled out infront of me, we did indeed have a good time. At least i did with my parents ;)

i live here

After about 7 weeks of being on this side of town, i must say i feel like i am living here. I have gotten used to the street signs, the smells, the weather, the currency, the norms, the sharp contrasts, and the people. It has been a really intersting ride... this life im living. I do see sharp contrast practically on a daily basis.. but honestly, the more time i spend here, and the more time i spend with the people, the less idealisitc i become. i am currently having a difficult time with the "live simply so that others may simply live." This somehow made sense to me before... i loved this quote. If you have ever recieved an email from me, then you recognize it from my signature... but i am having a serious issue with it because out of the numerous things I am learning, one of them is: so really, how is me living simply in my home going to better the fact that my host mom still has no hot water for the night?

if u are reading this, chances are the i love u... thanks for reading my blogs... emotional vomits will soon be spurting up in the next few blogs... considering the fact my parents are coming TODAY! :)

ADios amigos!

ps. i got the chance to see the ballet folklorico in the palacio de bellas artes last sunday night in Mexico CIty. W O W.

I love it. i love the sound of mariachi more than i ever did before. And this means, a lot.

a double life?

There is a lot to write about. But i have not that much time. And frankly i would rather spend more of my time enjoying it and living it than writing all about it.

But bits and pieces of it i do get to share.

Now, im in mexico city.

The sharp contrast is huge. But this time i prepared myself for it. I have learned to accept the class my family belongs to in the city. Have enjoyed it quite honestly. And although i am really enjoying my time in veracruz, it was nice to have a weekend where I could sleep on cold sheets again, and not have mosquito bites itching my right and left leg every couple of minutes.

i took the metro... in Mexico City... all by myself. and loved it.
ha. no big deal. quite the experience though with the overwhelmingly crowded transit during rush hour... every part of my body was touching somebody else's part of their body... everybody. I was afraid to go into the metro honestly... considering i literally saw people's faces smashed up with their hands up holding themselves on the quick metro sliding door. But after two metros had passed without me getting on, i said... "im going in."

I suddenly found myself pushing and shoving in through people until i was sorroundes by them all... my bag was crisscrossed accross my shoulders, and i was holding on to whateevr i could with one of my hands. The other i was holding on to a bag i had with purhcased CDs and of course, a pair of wooden earrings. :) After a couple stops i was able to find a seat. And from then on, a smooth ride.

This crowdedness was because it was 6pm on a Friday evening. When i took it yesterday at like 10am there were definately no people smashed up againts the doors.

Contrary to popular belief i was not pick pocketed... all safe and sound...and fast. Wow. I went from one side of the city to the other in about 30 minutes... um, mexico city is quite the size... so it was quick. All for $2.50 pesos... about $0.25 USD.

And... It didnt even smell :)

i kind of had a sence of acomplishment everytime i arrived to a destination. maybe u should come here and try it yorself... but with me ;)

With my cousins' guidance as to which route to take, i could go anywhere i feel! Oh, what freedom!

People even asked me for directions walking down the street... and guess what... i was able to guide them in the right direction... some ladies from Colombia and Chile who were adorable went along the ride with me towards my metro stop... didnt stop asking me questions about the city, its history, me, and how i learned spanish so well living in the states... um, this is a good sign my friends.

in brief:

*Visited the anthropology museum... amazingly huge! i think i literally had a joygasm with every major exposition.

::NOTE - i saw THE Aztec calendar. 'nough said::

*Went to a Mexico Diablos baseball game with my cousins... the best bad mouthing to players i have heard in the spanish language thus far. and oh, the viraety of food sold at the stands... from peanuts to tacos to pizzas to iced coffee to mexican treats, potato chips, and of course... beer, and mixed drinks... at very low prices... yea, about that...

Afterwards,
*Went out to a bar lounge with my cousins and her friends to celebrate my cousins birthday.
*Then went out to have dinner (mind you this is at about 1:45 am)
*Went to Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera's house (the next day)
*Had lunch at a really good Oaxacan restaurant
*hung out with my cousins in their European-Style apartment
*Will be attending my cousins graduation ceremony at the Palacio de Bella Artes tomorrow.

Obviously a SHARP contrast to my life in Veracruz!!! Am i living a double life?!

I feel like i am cheating on my own life right now... a weird anology. Will explain later.

Pictures will arrive eventually. For now, leave it all up to your imagination.

Saludos y abrazos
:) !!

i didn't look back. i promise.

June 14, 2008

It was 11:25 pm when we arrived after the long dirt road filled with little rocks sorrrounded by green trees – it looked like we were in some kind of tree tunnel in the middle of nowhere. You could only hear the rustling of the river near by, not even the birds were singing their songs at this hour. And we were too far away from town to hear the roosters, the dogs, the cats, or the people having a laugh here or there. Even though the windows were open in the car, it was still getting warm, and as always, humid. The back of my neck was beginning to sweat, and so was my left arm, which was squished next to Pepe, my cousin (im part of the family already what can I say). There were actually 6 of us in the small low black Honda. Three in the back, and three in the front. Because the car was low and close to the road, we had to be driving extra slow because every few seconds you would hear the scraching of a rock toppled around under the car, possibly leaving its trace behind. This speed though only made the ride longer… and all I wanted to do was get there to be back already…

I thought we had arrived to another side of the pueblo… or maybe a different one considering we had been driving for some time. I was kind of confused. Aside from the typical, I also saw little house-like rectangles, with candles lit inside. They had a door and everything. Some undistinguishable flowers were sticking out of some of the windows of these little cement “houses.” They were the same height as that of a tipical one story house… only a lot smaller. Just a few feet in square inches wide.

We pull up, turn off the car’s lights, the boys get out of the car, open my door and ask… “Vienes?”
“Yo no. Aqui los espero,” said Chela, Pepe’s sister, who is my age.
“No manchen, yo aqui los espero tambien. Yo de aqui no me muevo,” said Esteban, leaning his head back on his drivers seat closing his eyes.
“Tienes que enfrentar tu miedo cara a cara. Ademas, no les va a pasar nada,” Pepe reasurred them.

Pepe is tall, pretty built, and was wearing a tee shirt that folded up right on his “conejo.” I always make fun of him for it. He has tight curly hair that goes up to his shoulders, and he always wears a baseball cap. Even right now.

“Bueno pues, viens o te quedas?” he asked me again.

I decided to take advantage of this opportunity to face my fears as well… after I began a continued prayer that did not finish until well after I arrived back home, I got out of the car and followed with Pepe, Ruby, and Pepe’s friend. Ruby and I were pretty much cuddling as we walked. She is way shorter than me though, and a couple years younger. She's another friend.

“No se asusten, que no pasa nada,” said Pepe with a reasurring voice. I trust this kid. He didn’t say it with a playful tone. This relieved me a bit.

By now it was 11:30 pm. We sat in the center of it, right under the biggest cross around atop a rather large cement block. The moon was bright so i could distinguish some of the little cement blocks because of the shadow of the moon. But this cross we laid on, it wasn’t home to anybody.

I was king of tense, then with the sound of the river near by, began to relax. I couldn’t see it. It was hidden behind the bush of trees. But I could hear it clearly. The boys arrived and laid on their back looking at the sky from the rock the cross was mounted on. Ruby and I were still cuddling.

“What do you feel… are you seriously scared right now?” Pepe asked me again.
“Well,” I said in a low and slow way. “I thought I would be practically pissing my pants right now… but surprisingly, no… I think I kind of feel a sence of peace right now.”

“See? I told you. What is there to be afraid of?”

Once in a while I would realize… crap, its almost midnight and I am in the midle of the cementary. With crosses of every shape and size. Cement tombstones of all shapes and sizes too. Pepe and his friend did knock on one of the doors where the tombstone was a little house and a candle was lit inside. I snapped at him for doing so.

After lying under the cross for a while on top of the rock that belong to no one, or everyone, I decided to leave back to the car. It was quite the peaceful moment I had just had. Putting me to reflect… relizing that well, in life, we are going to end up like this… under a pile of dirt – if im lucky. Putting me to think that this is the great equalizer of us all. Rich or poor, white or black, (or brown!). Reminding me to invest in eternal things… because I do believe that at least that is what will last… and im trying to see what these "eternal" things are indeed.

I actually didn’t want to leave… but at the same time I wanted to run out of there. We were well lit by the moonlight, which was only a cresecent moon. But with no lights around, the moon for some reason seemed way brighter than usual.

As we were leaving, they talked about the myth that says to never look back at a cementary when leaving it at night… because you will see things… or feel things…
We got in the car, and none of us looked back. I tried to say i didn't believe in myths like that... Jesus was by my side... :) But of course, the guys had to get in their joking mood sometime during the night - but still, none of us looked back.

This elongated my prayer a bit… after we drove again through that long dirt road filled with little rocks sorrrounded by green trees, which still looked like we were in some kind of tree tunnel in the middle of nowhere, I cought sight of the elementary, middle, and high school of the Pueblo. We had arrived to its entrance again…

Will I do this again, I don’t know. But I am glad I got off the car… it was quite the random experience… like everything else around here has been thus far.

May you rest, in peace. Why not desire this for someone else, right?

;)

A good full heartfelt 2 hours... this is the norm around here. and i like it.

June 9, 2008 7:00 pm

I just spent two full on hours kicking it with Martin and Maria next door… no phone to run to, no meeting to leave to, and honestly, not a pressing homework assignment to get done. I get the privilige of simply sitting and talking, and mostly listening actually, to a lot of people around here. Today, it was with my host family's brother and wife, and some of that time was spent with Pepe, one of their sons. I loved it.

First of all, I was able to experience the killing of an iguana… which was horrendous by the way. The way its tail and arms moved looked like it was about to grab pepe by the arms to attempt and do the exact same thing to him in revenge– but we all know that’s impossible. But when I came back to have them help me buy a maca, alli me quede. Talking about my life and all… and talking with el tio Martin! . He is such a cool cat… and most of all, I loved the fact that they brought forth the coversation about religion first. I love the fact that they were able to express to me a bit of how they feel… and the fact that my ear has been trained to listen more.

We were literally able to talk about politics, immigration, life for me in the US, life for them here in Idolos, a bit of Christian history, and a bit of what Christianity means for me… that was the most beautiful part. Literally, sharing the love of Christ with others is indeed one of my favorite things to do now. I love the fact that I did not want to saturate them… "a little salt."

::note - these are people who are "catholic" whom the "christians" in this town prefer not to associete themselves with... because of this mere fact. So having ths conversation was huge!::

The good thing was that I was able to state that well, I am not God and that I am not going to judge how someone else lives their life. I was able to explain that my love and relationship with God was much bigger than things like watching a movie or going to a party. But I did not want to badmouth my host family either… so I didn’t even mention any names and did repeat that that is simply the way I think and that well, others could choose to live their lives their own way and I respect that.

Because I was able to freely express my voice… I once again feel alive.
I mean, after having a coversation with my host dad about what he thinks God will tell us when we arrive in heaven... i have decided to state that I don’t know… all I do know is that I hope that God doesn’t even speak to me because I want to be able to worship and experience Him for who he is in all his glory for the rest of eternity... perhaps a conversation might not even happen. But who knows.

Is religion more than knowing certain songs, going to church, praying to someone when things go wrong, or praising when things go well?

Could their be a difference between a Christian and a follower of Christ?


love. I am not the master at it. Who is? oh right. Jesus.

It is hard for me to love. It is hard for me to love particularly people who hate. I have begun a conversation with God… first of all to teach me to love Him, first and formost, above everything else. But really...

Then, to continue teaching me to love people, particularly those who have distinct different opinions than myself... in this case, the Christians in town who live a life judging others for not being "Christian" enough on a basis of what one wears and says more than on ones actions... where do i fall on this paradigm? Am i more like them than i thought?

I am in a serious form of transformation in a number of different areas in my life right now... just fyi.

My Happy Moment

June 6, 2008

Ya lo había extrañado y ni me había dado cuenta. Estábamos viendo los muchachos pescar en el rió porque había muchísimos camarones que la gente estaba pescando. Cuando de repente nos agarro el agua. ¡Lo verde se veía mas verde, y a mi me empezó a dar poquito miedo porque ya el tío y el hermano de tony estaban pescando, y el rió iba crecer! Empezaba a llover más y más... correle!

The drips of water dripped from my eyelids, nose, hands, hair, and clothes. I missed getting wet just for the heck of it. The weather was still humid, so it was of course, warm. And, I didn’t have to go anywhere so really, it didn’t matter if I had mud all over my feet. I ran, spread my arms open, and laughed with my host family under the rain and warm weather. It started raining harder, those rains that make you hold on to whatever YOUR Kermit is (stuffed animal...)at night a little tighter.

But for some reason, the mud, the rain, the humidity, the thunder, the possiblity of getting sick with some stiken disease... it didn’t matter. Again... the lighting, followed by thunder. Sorrounded by a viaerty of bright green trees, and accompanied by the song of literally hundreds of different bird sounds, some of which I have never heard before, was quite honestly, a very happy moment in my life today.

I loved it. Cant wait to do it again. Probobly will do that tomorrow… and the day after that, and maybe the day after that again.

At least for tonight, by the time the muchachos return, we will have quite the kilos of camarones for a caldo, en ajo, entomatados, rancheros, empanizados, or even on a coctel. All after a few hours of Obed fishing at the rio earlier today. Yei God!

...And the birds keep chirping and making a beautiful well orchestrated song making a sorround sound effect… as if th birds had a 24 hour conducter by their side.

Que bonito es la lluvia. If I close my eyes, I could definitely imagine I an in a selva… but then I get a little scared so I decide to simply take in the moment that I am currently residing off the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. Its beautiful!

As for later that night... mmmm.